Our Cubs DNA Glossary
America's Ass: Have you seen that thing Ian Happ is hauling around back there? No disrespect to Steve Rogers, but Ian's backside has our vote.
AOL: when something gets posted the 2nd (or 3rd) time, it's AOL, cause your internet is so slow.
AssMan: Cubs Xeeter's nickname for Javier Assad. When the AssMan cometh, he cometh for opposing batters.
#AtCubs: Shorthand for both the Cubs social media accounts and the amazing people who run them.
Babe Kapler: Manager of the San Francisco Giants, Gabe Kapler. We named him this before we all found out what a knucklehead he is (and knew about the icky stuff with the Dodgers), but the name has stuck.
Barves: The Atlanta Braves, especially when they're not playing well.
Baseball Daddy: Jose Altuve, because he reminds a certain junior Cubs DNA member of her dad. This nickname has been revoked in the wake of the Astros cheating scandal, however.
BDJ: Big Dick Jon when he has that Big Dick Energy; AKA Jon Lester.
BDJ II/BDJ 2.0: Have you noticed yet that Jordan Wicks has a certain Jon Lester energy about him? We sure have.
BEB: Bug-Eyed Braun. We typically like and respect players from other teams here at Cubs DNA, but the one we all unanimously hate is Ryan Braun. Sorry if that offends.
Bert Trailer: Brett Taylor, founder of popular Cubs blog Bleacher Nation. We didn't name him Bert, but we salute whomever did.
Bert'd: The act of insterting yourself into someone else's article via an editing aside, a la Bleacher Nation's Bert Trailer.
BFIB: Best Fan in Baseball, AKA St. Louis Cardinals fans. Barf. 'Nuf said.
Bing Bong: The imaginary friend from Inside Out who breaks everything he touches. A play on the term "ding dong." AKA Pronk
Blastellanos: Blastellanos was a nickname given to Nicholas by Tigers fans.
Brewbutts: The Milwaukee Brewers. Inspired by Staci's daughter's renaming of the Pirates.
Bryzzo: Our favorite former Cubs duo. We'll be forever sad.
BSN : Big Stick Nick or Big Swingin' Nick, prolific doubles hitter, a breath of fresh air in a stagnant 2019 Cubs offense.
Cardinals Voodoo: The uncanny ability of the St. Louis Cardinals to pull a bland, nobody player from AAA and have them suddenly turn into The Fish in September. See: Tommy Edman in 2019, Harrison Bader in 2018, Aledmys Diaz in 2016, etc.
Carrot: Former Cubs catcher Victor Caratini. Just think for a second.
Cheap Ricketts: The internet's nickname for Chicago Cubs Chairman and Senator Ted Cruz doppelgänger Tom Ricketts. Some might mean it, but those of us who have been around long enough to remember what Cubs fandom was like before the Ricketts family took ownership have a more ironic take on the term. Usually written as #CheapRicketts.
Chonk: An affectionate term for the big boys of baseball. We appreciate that ballplayers come in all shapes and sizes here at Cubs DNA, and have a special place in our hearts for some of the fluffier guys to play the game.
Crazy Eyes: Max Scherzer and his 2 different colored eyes. Could also refer to Zack Greinke.
Cub Killer: The term used to describe any number of mediocre-to-decent MLB players that suddenly turn into The Fish or Crazy Eyes the minute they play the Cubs. Examples: Adam Dunn, Billy Hamilton, Ben Gamel, Francisco Cervelli, Goo, Neil Walker and the ultimate, Joseph Daniel Votto.
Cubes: The Cubs alter ego when they don't play well.
Cyle: Hendricks' nickname given to him by Jon Lester during Kyle's stellar 2016 performance.
Dadler: Former Cubs reliever Casey Sadler, who exhibits some extreme and adorable Dad Energy on his social media.
Darth Bader: Harrison Bader is evil and you'll never convince us otherwise. He always seems to wind up in a red uniform, red is a Sith color, yada yada NOT A COINCIDENCE.
DBB (Daniel's Baby Boy): Friend of CubsDNA Daniel's Cub crush, Albert Almora, Jr.
"DANGIT STACI": You'll see this phrase show up on Twitter every time Joey Votto hits a home run now, because it's always Staci's fault. She actually thinks it's a good thing.
Dead like Eloy: Whenever a player goes on the IL and their team starts acting like they died.
Dewel: Daniel, but he has such atrocious handwriting that Daniel looks like Dewel when written.
DFM: Daniel F-ing Murphy. The ultimate Cub Killer, Murphy just murders the Cubs whenever he plays them, no matter what team he's on. To pour extra salt in the wound, he murdered the Cubs when he was on the team by not performing up to his usual standards. DFM, man.
Doomboner: Famously coined by Bert @ Bleacher Nation. #CubsTwitter is full of them. Someone who has the urge to gloat in doomsday scenarios.
Doom Grifter: Self-styled social media "influencers" who use their positions as pied pipers of pessimism among Cubs fans to squeeze them for money through unlicensed merch, podcast Patreons and other miscellany. Will still whore for attention from the team, its broadcasts and players at any opportunity despite their unabashed, outward disdain for current ownership and front office.
Ednel: Javy Baez's given first name, because sometimes we like to be proper.
Fake Rally: When a team is behind by more than a run and rallies in the 9th, only to fall short and lose anyway. The worst kind of rally.
Farticle: Our silly term for new blog posts.
Fat Uncle Tony: Tina & Staci think that when Rizzo retires, he'll eat lots of pasta and become Fat Uncle Tony.
The Fish: Mike Trout, the greatest player of this generation.
Fish Tank: When The Fish hits a nuke.
The Flow/The Hair: Dansby Swanson's hair is so impressive that we give it due obeisance through proper capitalization. It's only right.
Frank the Tank: Cubs late bloomer Frank Schwindel. Who doesn't love Frank the Tank?
Ginga Ninja: Pete Crow-Armstrong's nickname for Owen Caissie that we have totally stolen.
GLEYBURRR: Gleyber Torres, one time trade bait.
GLHOAT: The Greatest Leadoff Hitter of All Time, AKA Anthony Rizzo. This is a true fact and cannot be disputed, so please show due respect.
Gomer: San Diego Padres pitcher Blake Snell, who often looks like Gomer Pyle after he's been to a rave. This is not an insult. We love Gomer!
Goo: What started as an auto-correct fail became the nickname of perpetual Cubs foil, Gio Gonzalez.
#HotDaddy: A special classification for the hot dads of the Cubs. First coined for Brian Duensing, former Cubs reliever, Cubs DNA readers recently passed the title to Cubs catcher Yan Gomes.
#HotDadler: Former Cubs reliever Casey Sadler, who is super cute and has adorable Dad Energy.
Humpty Chunk: Y'all, we think Staci was in a fever-induced daze when she came up with this one, but this is now Merrill Kelly's name. We're not even sorry.
The Inflammation: Shorthand for anything unidentified that sends a player to the Injured List. It could be a yet-diagnosed ailment or a fake injury for an underperforming guy clogging the roster, but make no mistake--The Inflammation comes for them all eventually.
The Inflummation: When the Inflammation is of the viral variety.
Jarter: A portmanteau of Jed Hoyer and Carter Hawkins, the POBO and GM of the Cubs. It's always good when these guys mind meld, so why not have a name meld, too?
Jed'd: The art of fleecing a competitor so badly in a trade that it makes them lose out on a valuable deal later on that could have won them their division because they're scared you'll do it again.
Jown Lesta: Anthony Rizzo's chosen moniker for Jon Lester.
KB, KBoom: Self explanatory.
KillaQ: Jose Quintana when he's dealing. When it's against the Brewers, it's amended to BrewCrewKillaQ.
Large Adult Son (LAS): Affectionate nickname for young Cubs (Nico, Schwarbs) and also for the minor leaguers that a couple of us sponsor.
Lil' Bertie/Bertie: Cubs pitcher Adbert Alzolay, who is ADORABLE and needs a similarly adorable nickname.
Lil' Tommy: Former Cub bench player Tommy La Stella. Known for being Hobbit-sized. Also, Brooke's future husband.
Lord Farquaad: Our nickname for Padres reliever Josh Hader, because of his unfortunate hair and face. Is it immature and mean-spirited? Sure! But you'll never find us saying racist or homophobic things on social media, so at least we have that going for us.
Manteeny: Cubs OF/1B/DH Trey Mancini. WE know why we call him Manteeny. HE might know why we call him Manteeny. But YOU don't need to know why we call him Manteeny. Some things are just between us and the boys, okay?
Mash Mervis: Cubs prospect Matt Mervis, who has positively mashed home runs in the minor league system in 2022. This 100% verified, top-notch nickname was created by Friend of the Site BRAD.
Master Boner/Mister Boney: We're sure Cubs outfielder Miles Mastrobuoni is a Nice Italian Boy, but his name sure lends itself to some shenanigans.
Meatballs: These are the terrible fans who hated Strop because of his sideways hat, hate Javy for being Javy, or who wanted to trade KB cause he's unklutch! Don't be a meatball.
A Meatloaf: Winning 2 out of 3, when a sweep was possible. 2 out of 3 ain't bad.
MENSIES!: What you'll often hear around DNA HQ when surprise upstart Washington Nationals OF/DH Joey Meneses does something annoying against the Cubs in a game. We know how to pronounce his name; it's just more fun to yell this when we're perturbed.
Meowlander: Once upon a time, a cat on Twitter insisted that the Cubs were getting Justin Verlander at the 2017 trade deadline. He went to the Astros instead, they won the World Series, and the feline's follies have since been memorialized with this nickname for the Mets ace.
Mi Friend: Willson Contreras, who allegedly slid into Mia Khalifa's DMs and called her "Mi Friend".
MKH: Moose Knuckle Hour. The deep dark podcast of Christmas past.
MOAREL: When Christopher Morel does something awesome and we just want MOAR.
Neck Tat: Yadier Molina. For the spreading infection of nasty neck tattoos.
NEKKIDS: Tina's name for those tasteful yet oh so nekkid ESPN The Magazine "Body Issue" photos a few of our favorite Cubs participated in. Jake Arrieta's are a particular favorite. (We do not acknowledge the nekkids of a certain Brewers player. Ew.)
#NerdAlert: When Alec Mills and his nerdy glasses show up. Also (in)famously, Pronk had to take a dive into a retention pond because Pronk made a bet that Mills would not make it 5 innings on his first time up from AAA. Mills ended up going 5.2 innings. It's probably safe to add Eric Sogard, too.
Norman Avocado: Current 3rd baseman of the St. Louis Cardinals. That's his name, right?
ONKC: Owen Caissie. No, really. That's it.
Passan'd: What happens when you try to come at Jeff Passan online and lose. Which is the outcome 99.9999999% of the time. We advise against getting Passan'd.
(So Much) Pee: When Yu Darvish is dealing. During Spring Training 2019, he was asked how a blister was healing. He said it healed well because he "put the pee on it."
Piebutts: The Pittsburg Pirates. Coined by Staci's daughter, a junior CubsDNA member.
The Professor: Really, the only nickname Kyle Hendricks should ever have. Everyone uses it, why won't he?
Professor Pick Off: When the Professor is having a particularly prolific day picking fools off.
Pronked: Using a screenshot of someone's post from the past to own them in the present
Pronk'd: Inability to properly post a gif, video, or photo.
Pumping sunshine: We've been accused often of being "too positive" at the DNA, and you know what? We're okay with that! If the worst you can say is that we're "pumping sunshine," then we're leaning right on into it.
PWizzy: Shorthand for Patrick Wisdom. It's a terrible nickname for such a handsome man, but it's his own fault for making it his Instagram handle. You'll often hear DNA'ers yelling this at Wrigley when he homers.
Q: Jose Quintana
RIP in Peace: Coined by frenemy of the site Charles the Cat, for those times when wishing peace on the dearly departed just once isn't enough.
Rizzboo: cause Rizz is our boo!
RizzOMG: reaction to a Rizzo homer.
Savage Kyle: Hendricks' alter ego on @PitchingNinja. Everyone should follow PN and Savage Kyle's adventures. Bitch.
The Salad: Former Cubs Legend Matt Szczur, whose last name sounds like a type of delicious salad and who saved the Cubs 2016 postseason by loaning Rizzo his magical bats.
Schwarboard: The right field video board at Wrigley Field, now forever home to the home run ball hit by Kyle Schwarber in the 2015 NLDS against the St. Louis Cardinals. It wasn't just high, it was far!
Schwindy City: The emergence of Frank the Tank transformed Chicago into the Schwindy City for a brief time. It was fun!
Screw the Closer: When a team breaks a game open in the late innings and robs the closer of a save opportunity. The Cubs did this a whole bunch in 2016.
Secret Boyfriend: Players that you'd have a crush on but aren't super obvious. EVERYONE has a crush on Dansby or Nico or Happer or PWizzy, but these are guys you wouldn't think of. Hence the secret part.
SMH: Shorthand for "So. Much. Handsome." While we adore the hustle and hard work of the current version of the Chicago Cubs, we're also humans with working eyes and can't deny that Jed has put together perhaps the most handsome team in the history of MLB, nay, the sport of baseball as an institution.
SSS: Small sample size (in regards to stats)
Sparkles: Do we need to spell this one out?
Speedy: First coined in honor of Terrance Gore, any Cubs player who is actually on the team because they're fast.
St. Louis: The most boring city on earth.
Sparklespants: KB's compression tights that Tina got from a video shoot with him. They had their own adventures during the 2019 season. See the post here.
Thed: A portmanteau of the first names of former Cubs President of Baseball Operations Theo Epstein and Current President of Baseball Operations Jed Hoyer. They kind of shared a brain, so why not share a name?
3 AM: Tommy LaStella, as Joe Maddon famously called him saying TLS is able to wake up at 3 AM and hit off the bench.
Thicc: Brad Wieck, who was traded for Carl Edwards Jr. The Cubs already had Rowan Wick, but Brad is a big boi, hence, Thicc Wieck.
Thick (also see Thickburger): former Cubs reliever, Carl Edwards Jr., in reference to the burger at Carl's Jr.
"Tighten it up!": When a Cubs pitcher loses his location and we just want him to get it together already!
Tingleberry: We'll admit we didn't know much about Padres manager Jayce Tingler when the Dads hired him for the job. Now we mostly know him as That One Who Threw His Young Stud Under The Bus For Being Too Good. It got him the perfect nickname from Ass Matt, though, so good for him, we guess.
Tiny Tony & Tiny Tim: Former Cubs infielder Tony Kemp & reliever Tim Collins. We're big fans of the little guys!
TOOTBLAN: Thrown Out On The Basepaths Like A Nincompoop. This classic internet term was coined for scrappy Cubs middle infielder Ryan "The Riot" Theriot, who had the unfortunate habit of running into outs. You can read about the history of the TOOTBLAN at TOOTBLAN Tracker.
Tubby Cahill: Former Cubs pitcher Trevor Cahill, whose chonky physique endeared him to Tina and forever earned him this nickname.
Twink: Our name for former Cubs reliever Dan Winkler when we weren't so happy with his performance.
TWTW: The Will To Win. Some fans believe that certain players are more valuable than others because of their perceived ability to gut their team to a win. If such a thing exists.
Wesnasty: Cubs pitching prospect Hayden Wesneski, whom the Cubs acquired from the Yankees for Scott Effross. So named because the stuff is NASTY.
The Witch: Coined by Pitching Ninja Rob Friedman, this is a nickname for Blake Treinen that he hates, but we love and still use (sorry Blake!).
Zaguntits: Coined by frenemy of the site Charles the Cat, nickname for former Cubs prospect Mark Zagunis who, shall we say, is carrying a little extra baggage up there.
ZoBalls: Our moniker for the 2016 WS MVP.