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Needs More Metal III: Metal for the N00bs


Mosh piiiiiiit! (Photo: AP/Nam Y. Huh)

Hey there! So, we've reached that time of year again when I get snobby about Cubs players walk-up/entrance songs and give them rock/metal makeovers to suit my own whims. Mind you, they never, ever listen to me even on the off chance that they read this farticle (a few actually have!), but maybe one day... a girl can dream! This season, I'm taking on the newbies on the Cubs roster, which is full of guys who are mostly using country/pop songs as their walk up music which...

So crank up your speakers and get your neck limbered up. You might even hear something you've never heard before!


Joc Pederson

Current walk-up song: "Famous" by Adam Doleac

Metal Makeover walk-up song: "Kick Out the Jams" by The MC5

Since #AtCubs has decreed that a home run by Joc shall be a "Joc Jam," what else could I possibly give him? Mind you, we'll have to cut out Rob Tyner's signature yell at the beginning to keep it family friendly, but that's a small price to pay to make sure Joc is kicking out the jams all season at Wrigley.


Trevor Williams

Current entrance song: ???

Metal Makeover entrance song: "Release the Panic" by Red

Y'ALL. I could not, for the life of me, find what entrance music poor Trevor Williams used on the Pirates. I mean, I know they're the Piebutts and all... maybe they couldn't afford entrance/walk-up music for their players? ANYWAY, respecting that Williams is a Christ follower, I picked Christian hard rock band Red to help him get pumped up before he takes the mound. And yes, a Christian band can, in fact, get you pumped up! Just listen to that riff-heavy, industrial groove! RELEASE THE PANIC!


Brandon Workman

Current entrance song: "Runnin' Outta Moonlight" by Randy Houser

Metal Makeover entrance song: "Working Man" by Rush


Do I even have to explain this one?


Austin Romine

Current walk-up song: "Do Your Worst" by Rival Sons

Metal Makeover walk-up song: "Falling Down" by Kyng

Romine's current song isn't bad, and he's used Led Zeppelin in the past which gets a huge thumbs up. HOWEVER... Austin Romine is a big, bearded, beefy, tough catcher. He needs big, bearded, beefy, tough-sounding walk-up music to match. Enter Kyng who, while from L.A., sound like they're from somewhere in the metal-loving parts of the South and look like they might not have bathed in a few months. That? Is the band Romine needs.


Speaking of facial hair...


Andrew Chafin

Current entrance song: "That's My Kind of Night" by Luke Bryan

Metal Makeover entrance song: "Divinations" by Mastodon

A modern baseball facial hair legend deserves to be paired with modern metal facial hair legends. It's only right. The side benefit is that Mastodon are one of my absolute favorite metal bands, so I got to listen to a whole bunch of their music trying to pick which song I wanted to use here. Frankly, I could listen to "Divinations" on loop for hours. It's that good. You're welcome, Andrew.


Jake Marisnick

Current walk-up song: "Party Up" by DMX

Metal Makeover walk-up song: "Tonight We Ride" by Unleash the Archers

Up to now, this list has been sorely lacking both power metal and female artists. Thank God for Brittney Slayes, who's swooping in to give Marisnick a boost with his walk-up music. And honestly, with his flow can't you just picture Jake in one of these get-ups, banging his head right along with the UTA guys while Brittney outsings pretty much every dude in every band ever? Yeah, me too. That's why I picked this.


BONUS PICK:


Burl Carraway


Burl Carraway has never thrown a pitch at the major league level, probably because the Cubs just drafted him last year. HOWEVER, if he doesn't use Mastodon's "Curl of the Burl" as his entrance/warm-up music immediately upon reaching the majors I will cry like a baby. Or not. But I'll be super disappointed.


And there you have it, my hard rock/metal makeover picks for this year's Cubs nOObs! See you next year around this time when I come back and pick some new music for Francisco Lindor, Marcus Stroman and all of the other new 2022 Cubs!




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