Updated: Oct 2, 2019
Throw the horns, everyone! (Photo courtesy of Major League Baseball)
Every time #AtCubs posts about the team's walk up music, I'm that annoying person in the replies going, "NEEDS MORE METAL." Because let's face it, most of this team's musical taste is, for lack of a better way to put it, on the soft side. For my own edification (and perhaps your entertainment, Cubs DNA readers!), I've taken it upon myself to augment a few of our boys' playlists with some songs that have a bit more... shall we say... edge to them. Behold my Cubs Metal Walk-Up Makeover!
Current walk-up song: "Intoxicated," Martin Solveig and GTA
Metal Makeover version: "Zombie," The Pretty Reckless
We know Tony loves Taylor Swift from his years of using "Bad Blood," but I'm going to give him another TayTay--Taylor Momsen of The Pretty Reckless. Momsen is what you'd get if you locked Swift in a room for a month, fed her raw meat and forced her to do nothing but drink absinthe, smoke Marlboros, read Anne Rice novels and listen to Type O Negative. This could be a good alternative for those days when our Rizzboo feels like fighting an entire opponent's dugout or sliding hard into some hapless catcher.
Sample lyric: "To all of you who've wronged me, I am, I am a zombie
Again, again you want me to fall on my head, I am, I am, I am a zombie"
You know she just drank a pint of Jack Daniels and smells like stale cigs, right?
Current walk-up song: "Summer," Marshmello
Metal Makeover version: "Spit It Out," Slipknot
This one is strictly for the lulz, to be honest. Can you imagine Sparkles walking out to a song this angry and full of bad words? I mean, come ON?!? He's so wholesome, so pure, but we all know there's an inner bad boy just waiting to get out. Let's get some Slipknot in here and coax it out of him.
Sample lyric (from the cleanest section): "Did you never give a damn in the first place Maybe it's time you had the tables turned, 'cause in the interest of all involved I got the problem solved, and the verdict is guilty"
Guess who's coming straight from Iowa to Wrigley?
Current entrance song: "Sweet Child O' Mine," Guns N' Roses
Metal Makeover version: "Violate," Iced Earth
Let's face it--Kimbrel didn't exactly look like his usual, dominant self after signing with the Cubs in June. He gets some slack for signing late and missing spring training altogether, but a 6.53 ERA and 8.00 FIP just isn't going to cut it going forward. Mind you, I have complete faith that he'll settle in for 2020 and regain his form, but something more aggressive than the played-out GNR track should help with that. Not to mention Iced Earth once featured the fiercest redhead in all of metal, and if that doesn't get our ginger closer back on track, I'm not sure what will.
Sample lyric: "I'll beat you with your spinal cord, split your skull in two I'll feast on your intestines, there's nothing I can't do"
Look at this magnificent ginger beast!
Current walk-up song: "Para Sambar," Shelow Shaq feat. Mendonça Do Rio, Topo La Maskara & Tiko’s Groove
Metal Makeover version: "Superbeast," Rob Zombie
A little on-the-nose? Our Willy the Beast lives his life being on-the-nose, and we wouldn't have him any other way.
Sample lyric: "Hey yeah, I'm the one that you wanted Hey yeah, I'm your Superbeast."
Just tell me this isn't what it's like in Willy's head.
Current entrance song: "Sweet Emotion," Aerosmith
Metal Makeover version: "Chip Away the Stone," Aerosmith
The Professor gets to keep his Aerosmith (and YES I know they're not metal), but he's getting something a little edgier. Plus, you can't deny the fun of giving him a song with "stone" in the title given his stone-faced reputation. Also, I'm not exactly convinced Hendricks knows that his current entrance music is actually about a guy calling a phone sex line, so... let's fix that.
Sample lyric: "Even a rock will crumble if you strike it night and day If hammer I must, I'm gonna get through your crust Gonna chip that stone away"
Hey, this could be a new nickname for Hendricks and Bryant!
Current walk-up song: "Zero," Farruko
Metal Makeover version: "The Wizard," Black Sabbath
This one's kind of a no brainer, no? I know technically his nickname translates to "The Magician," but there is no band more metal than Black Sabbath, and the lyrics about the Wizard leaving the people feeling good and casting a spell and turning tears into joy couldn't be more perfect for our Ednel.
Sample lyrics: "Evil power disappears, demons worry when the wizard is near He turns tears into joy, everyone's happy when the wizard walks by"
Ozzy thinks this is a great idea!
Rowan Wick/Brad Wieck
Current entrance songs: N/A
Metal Makeover versions: "Fight Fire With Fire," Metallica
"Set the World Afire," Megadeth
Two Wi(e)cks, two firemen, both in need of fierce entrance music, so what better than a one-two punch of flames from Metallica and Megadeth? It doesn't really matter which gets which, although I lean toward giving Megadeth's complex, apocalyptic classic to the intimidating, 6'9" Wieck and Metallica's more straight-forward thrasher to Wick.
"Fight fire with fire, ending is near. Fight fire with fire, bursting with fear." (Metallica)
"No time to change your fate, no time left, it's too late. The arsenal of Megadeth can't be rid of they said." (Megadeth)
Good advice, TBH.
Current walk-up song: "Gonna Know We Were Here," Jason Aldean
Metal Makeover version: "Book, Saddle and Go," Clutch
I know that country music is BDJ's thing. He even has a charity event called "NVRQT Goes Country" every year, such is his commitment to the twangier side of things. That said, I can't help but think in an alternate universe, he and Neil Fallon would be good friends, sitting around eating BBQ and telling stories while John Lackey finishes off the carcass in a corner somewhere.
Sample lyric: " I know I'm ugly, honey, but look where I'm coming from I got a pony down state, and that pony born to run
Book, saddle and go, hey, that's the name of the game Book, saddle and go, canned heat, that's the name of the game"
Also included: one tremendous beard
Current walk-up song: "Cult of Personality," Living Colour
Metal Makeover version: "Cult of Personality," Living Colour
"Wait," you might be thinking, "those are the same song!" Why, yes! Yes they are! You see, Schwarbs has picked a near-perfect, ageless hard rock song to use for his walk-up music already, so he gets to keep it. Schwarbs gets a cookie!
"I am NOT still wearing those idiotic wetsuits!"--Corey Glover, probably
So there you have it... some upgrades to current Cubs walk-up songs to bring the team MOAR METAL. Have any other players I didn't mention you'd like to give a rocking walk-up makeover? Other options in addition to mine? Discuss in our comments!