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Love Letters From Pronk: David Ross

David Ross,

I have loved you from the start of your career as a Chicago Cub. You were supposed to be a weak hitter but a good teammate, so at first I wasn't that excited for you. But if it made BDJ (Jon Lester) happy and pitch better, then I could grow to love you.

I loved the way you became the butt of a bunch of jokes, and took it all in stride. You even joined in on the fun. Abe Lincoln was that way too, so it's a sign of great character. You might be old, but not obsolete.

He probably enjoyed this way too much.

Then there was your pinnacle, the game 7 home run. To outsiders, Joe Maddon putting you into that game might have been a waste. It bumped out Contreras, a bold move. But I know you had pop in your bat. When you came up, I knew you could get something done. It was this feeling from the pit of my stomach, there would be fireworks. Then you did it.


I loved the way you were carried off the field, a fitting end to the legend. You earned it Grandpa.

As great as those memories were, you were just getting started. Little did I know that the real highlight was coming: David Ross as a stripper. You rubbed your abs, then T-bagged your balls right in that poor ladies face. It was funny and sexy at the same time. Not going to lie, everyone, regardless of their orientation, wanted to be in the center of that strip show.

Then you decided to take the next natural step and become a professional dancer. Odd career choice, but seriously, I admire a man who undertakes new challenges. A man who isn't afraid to lay it all on the line. A man with the persona that oozes confidence. But I have to confess, I'm not a fan of Dancing with the Stars. Watching dancing is already a bore, even if it is with celebrities. But I did vote for you every time you danced.

Move over Hasslehoff. There's a new sexy elderly David in town.

Now you are back, right where you belong. You have come full circle and are the MANager of the beloved Chicago Cubs. I look forward to your many ejections when Joe West has to tell you to get your scooter off of the field.

Time to make some more memories in my heart.

Love you David Ross.



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