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Forbidden Love: Orbit

Orbit is even OK with the Boomers. (Pic: Paper City Magazine)

Forbidden Love is a Cubs DNA series where our staff waxes poetic about a player on a team other than the Cubs. Maybe even one you think they should hate. In this installment, Staci goes both furry AND interplanetary on us with her love for Houston Astros mascot Orbit.

"OK, *blogger*. You have gone too far this time," you might be thinking. "THAT is a MASCOT." And not just any mascot, but the mascot of noted cheaters* the Houston Astros, who are currently, as we all know, under investigation by Major League Baseball for electronically stealing signs for a very long period of time. But hear me out on this, because Orbit is magic.

Granted, we usually reserve this space for young, virile ballplayers, occasionally giving way to someone like living legend Bob Uecker, but let me tell you... if loving Orbit is wrong, I'll just have to live with the consequences. Orbit is the best of all the MLB mascots, and you can @ me all you want. He's cute. He's sassy. He's snarky. He's got a better personality than Alex Bregman. And much like our own Cubs mascot Clark, he commonly eschews the bondage of pants.


Unlike Clark, tho, who has maybe four outfits (and let's face it--ZoBEARist is probably gonna have to be retired), Orbit has a much more extensive wardrobe:

Pics courtesy of MLB/Houston Astros

Orbit's sassiness cannot be overstated--he's one of the few mascots around the league that regularly interacts with opposing players, to the point of trolling and playing jokes on them before and during games. You know how Adrián Beltré hated anyone touching his head? Well, Orbit never touched his head...

Orbit was also the first of us to very correctly realize the truth about Aaron Judge:

In case you don't want to watch the entire video, let's cut to the chase...

Orbit even got our beloved Schwarbs during the Cubs' last visit to Houston in 2019. Kyle, we thought you were more astute than this!

Pics courtesy of MLB/Houston Astros

One of the most endearing examples of Orbit's trolling abilities was his long-term feud with Chris Archer when he was with the Tampa Bay Rays. Their feud literally went on for years, culminating in a mid-summer 2017 series where Orbit pulled out all the stops:


Ah, I miss that Chris Archer. In fact, you would have already read a Forbidden Love about Archer if he hadn't turned Piebutt the second he got to Pittsburgh. That team just does weird things to players that hopefully Derek Shelton will fix, and then Archer will be adorkable again.

Hopefully we don't find out that our beloved Orbit was somehow involved in the cheating* nonsense, and that he was just hanging around, having a good time, oblivious to all the trash can shenanigans in all his pantsless glory. Until then, though, we can continue to enjoy Orbit's hijinks as maybe the one positive thing still happening in Houston baseball until we learn to trust the players and coaching staff there again. Maybe we should even start plotting a way to #FreeOrbit and get him to a team with less, shall we say, shady business practices. Hey... the Yankees could use a mascot considering the last one they had was this:

Now you'll never unsee it either. You're welcome. (Pic: Madison Ford)



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